Sigh.

Last night was another not good night. The kids are really missing Daddy time. I was hanging in (ie--laying on the couch), hoping he'd make it home before bedtime. The kids were pretty much just looking out the window, as much as three siblings can be in close proximity at the end of the day. Finally, I took them upstairs and basically said "Go to bed". Not even a short story from this wicked mother. Then I got downstairs and was trying to get the front windows closed before he made it in the house and blasted me for having the windows open. I got one shut, but couldn't find the other crank and sure enough that's when he came up the walk! Argh. They're only kids.

Sure, he has a long day at work. Then he came out and his battery was dead. Says he had to search for someone to help--they have on-site security staff! Then he had to stop for gas and get a boost again. Yes, that can make anyone grumpy. Sure, he was probably ticked that there was no dinner (I had made hot dogs, LOL, but Megan took the last one, ripped it up, and stuffed it in my water bottle). After he goes out and gets a new battery he comes in and STORMS around cleaning up and vacuuming (how dare I lay on the couch and try to watch TV while he vacuums!).

For the good news, I had no bleeding last night! But I did have some after my shower this morning. Now that all the tape is off, I can clearly see the spot where the join of my areola and skin has not healed at all. The rest of the incisions have healed over, with a few scabby spots remaining. But today, I'm having quite a bit of discomfort when walking. Just from the parking lot to the school.

As to the comments yesterday.....thanks for the cyber-slap. Our marriage is (obviously, LOL) not great. We have a big black cloud that has hung over us for 7 years and someone (coughRobcough) is not willing to walk in the sunshine too often. I have built up a little wall, I can't show vulnerability or weakness, or he uses it against me/our marriage. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, and he has never been supportive (emotionally or physically) of me when I am in a crisis. He thinks taking time off after a baby was born, as being supportive....but his actions were pretty much just like now. Yes, I will give him credit for stepping up and taking on more while he was home--especially with Megan--but I need more from him now.

I realized last night that part of the issue is he has no local friends. When we moved up here we thought it was short term (3-5 years), but still I encouraged him to get involved in SOMETHING. He tried mountain biking and lunchtime skating with a group from work, but most of them are childless, and he doesn't like mixing work and friends. He's joined a motorcycle group--Dual-sport, Sharon, he's not a vibrating couch on wheels kind of guy ;) but that means day long rides on the weekend. I wish there were personal ads for friends: Married, white male, almost 40, loves mud and his dog and his truck, seeks trail-riding (truck/dirtbike/MB) buddy for SHORT get-togethers to complain about work. LOL.

HOWEVER....he is an adult. Although he is usually unsupportive (cause, you know, HE earns the money so his job comes before everything else cause they will of course, fire you if you leave after 9 hours instead of 10), being unsupportive at a time when my physical health is on the line is perhaps...abusive. I hadn't thought of it quite like that, Z. Even though much (but not all) of his muttering is to himself, the very fact that I can hear it makes it unacceptable (and I've told him he can think what he wants, but saying is unacceptable), and I suppose....verbally and emotionally abusive. I wonder what would happen if I start throwing the A word around. Well, I know my past sins will be thrown right back at me; tit for tat; who's got it worse, an eye for a...boob. It's a lousy cycle, neither of us want to be the one to break it by stepping out (and we both have reasons to do so), nor are we emotionally available enough now to re-shape the circle.

As far as hiring help...I tried that when I was almost due with Megan. I knew we'd be hosting Christmas, and although he'd do a pyscho cleaning frenzy, I would be bombarded with criticism. I suggested we hire someone for a one-off deep cleaning. He was totally offended and said no way would he pay for it. Back then I really didn't have much of my own money, but now, thanks to the Child Care tax credit, I do have some (and that is a whole 'nother bigtime issue--whether the money is 'mine' or should be 'for the kids'). I was all set this morning to make some phone calls...but who am I kidding? I'm phone phobic.

I am going to use the suggestion about the internal healing and possible future surgery (Kay, how'd you get here? I've known two or three Kay's but I don't think you're one of them). He doesn't want to take anymore vacation time off, so hopefully that will get his attention. I was really hoping that this time he would see the reality of my daily life (shouldn't have shipped the kids away; should've stayed in bed more), and the obvious physical evidence that I am in need of support. While I was pregnant, it was just heresay "The OB says to take it easier" but I had my limits on how long the kitchen can go unvacuumed, and I went WAY beyond that limit by waiting a month. He can't see my arthritis pain, but he can see my incisions and the bruising and the swelling. He needs more than just a cyber smack.

So...my plan? Sigh. I want to get the kids signed up for some summer camp and swimming lessons, and they have soccer every Wed. night. But there is a big, three bedroom house sitting empty next to my parent's house....it's in rough shape, but the peace and quiet might make up for that. For now, I'm going to sit tight on the couch, limit my cleaning...okay, basically no cleaning beyond what's necessary to get through the day, limit my cooking, no laundry without his help, and just try to get through each day with my dignity intact. I'm so glad I got that MP3 player working!